ADHD Is Not A Moral Failing

Eh, this is a long one. But, I've got something on my mind. This might get a bit ranty.

I'm tired of the symptoms of ADHD being seen as a moral failure. We now literally know that the brains of people with ADHD are different. Their structure is literally different.

People with ADHD have to navigate life under a cloud of misunderstandings, both from teachers/managers and peers, and even themselves. Since the inattentive subtype is less outwardly disruptive, it’s easy for people to interpret symptoms as mere forgetfulness or lack of effort.

This is a not so eloquent list of things I've experienced, and - for some reason I'll probably regret later, I am now spilling it out into the void.

I had to grapple with repeated criticism, social isolation, and a pervasive sense of not measuring up. Since at least the first grade, where I remember my first negative experience with teachers.

With the internet, I now know I wasn't the only one. But while many people around my age pine for the days of the 90s as some sort of haven of the best days, I can assure you this isn't the case for everyone.

My first day at a new school, beginning 8th grade. Just moved from my home in Maryland to begin school in Michigan. I hadn't even spoken to anyone yet. Sitting in the class - I don't remember the events leading up to it - the kid sitting next to me said to someone nearby, "I'm sitting next to this weird one." First day of the rest of my life, indeed.

I was so completely absolutely sure that I was a miserable failure - academically and professionally.

And I have struggled with a horrible sense of object permanence. I don't have a better phrase for this. Object permanence is the understanding that objects continue to exist even when out of sight. I understand that the ball that rolls behind the couch still exists. But, those of us with ADHD can struggle with remembering things that are not immediately visible due to working memory deficits. I literally do not have enough RAM.

I know I had friends in person at some point in life. But when I'm not around them, I literally forget they exist. This is not intentional on my part. But, out of sight, out of mind. Then when I do realize how long it has been since I've contacted them, I just panic at the thought.

"You’re not trying" "You’re too smart to be doing this poorly" "Pay attention!"

Because inattentiveness isn’t as visible as hyperactivity, I have been labeled as “irresponsible” or “unreliable.” But, I am, right? I promise it's not intentional. It really isn't. No one is more disappointed than myself.

Chronic stress and anxiety about underperforming.

Persistent feelings of frustration, shame, or guilt about not managing adulting as smoothly as I feel I should.

Fear of judgment from those who see the disorganization as carelessness or lack of respect - or "ADHD" being an excuse to be lazy.

Trouble keeping a clean living space. I have started cleaning or organizing but then get distracted and leave it unfinished.

Paying bills late, resulting in unnecessary fees.

Forgetting appointments or showing up late, despite setting multiple alarms.

During conversations, I frequently drift off or struggle to keep track of the topic, missing completely what is being said or missing social cues.

Forgetting to respond to messages.

When confronted, I can’t articulate why I keep dropping the ball.

I've tried so many different ways of keeping track of things, but they become abandoned as my mind finds them too cumbersome.

I have often relied on putting things off until the last moment. But, I would brush off these struggles by saying something like, "I work better under pressure."

To avoid stigma or disappointing others, I have frequently hid how overwhelmed I feel.

Years of being labeled "lazy".

A persistent feeling of not living up to my potential, fueling cycles of deep dark depression.

Constantly blaming myself for struggles I apparently can’t fully control, which perpetuates a cycle of guilt and shame.

And this is why I've pulled my two youngest kids from public school. We talk about a mental health crisis in this country, and then we wonder why no one is doing anything about it. I'm doing something about it.

I could see the beginnings of the same thing I went through in my early life. They would come home looking like the world just ground a few more inches off whatever joy they have.

This system doesn't work for everyone. We do not have a one-size fits all education system.

So I'm homeschooling. ADHD leading the ADHD and Autistic.

Is it going to be chaotic? Very

Will it be bumpy? Like a seasonal road in the U.P.

Will I question my sanity? Daily

Do I think this will lead to a better outcome? I have to. The alternative is pretty damn bleak